Fates Twisting hands?
by Twilight's-Mystery
Summary: My first


Fates twisting hands..  
  
By: Kathy M Kidman  
  
Disclaimer: Don't even start me on this okay?? HA-CB ok??  
  
AN: ok, now I know I should be working on " And what if I said I loved you?" and to tell the truth I am, not at this moment, well ok back and forth, but this has been brewing my Twisted, Euphoric and Lethargic head of mine for a while.. The song " This used to be my playground " holds special meaning to me so don't laugh if this a pathetic fic, it's basically one of my memories turned into helga's experiance (( only I never had a crush on anybody and I never went to france )) so well..bare with me  
  
PS: this is an adult fic, ya know she's older? about 23 I'd say, my first one ever so it may not be that good.. so well ok..  
********************************************************  
As I looked myself over in the full length mirror of my hotel room I sighed. This was going to be great, I was going to get to see all of my friends from my younger days.  
  
Granted this would be the first time I'll see them since I came back from France. A good 14 years, since I had just turned 23.  
  
I sighed as I smoothed out my flowered skirt and white blouse. Boy had I changed. I was now 5'9" and very slender. My blonde hair that was usually in pigtails was now longer and down to about my waiste, but pulled up into a french braid. And my unibrow from so long ago had long since dissapeared.   
  
Boy wouldn't the gang be surprised.   
  
As I got into my corvette, which I bought after I published my first book of poetry when I turned 19 I pulled out into the highway back towards the old neighborhood.  
  
Getting caught in a flashback of the last day I was here more than 14 years ago..   
  
~*~ Flaskback May 31st 2000 ~*~  
  
" HELGA come down here we have something to tell you!" called Mirium from the stairwell of my house.  
  
I got a very perturbed look on my face as I came out of my closet, which held my one true treasure. My shrine to my beloved Angel, arnold.   
  
I sighed angrily as I walked down the stiars to find Mom and Dad and...Olga?!  
  
" What do you want? what did I do now?" I asked awaiting any punishment I would recieve.  
  
But Olga just squeeled and then turned to mom. " Oh mummy! I'm too excited you tell her!"   
  
I looked between the two of them.. " Excited? for what? mom what's going on??"   
  
" Helga..your going to Paris France with your sister.." she said dully, a banana smoothie in her left hand.  
  
I gasped and suddenly felt as if my hold on reality was slipping so the only word that escaped my mouth was.. " why?"  
  
Olga squeeled once more and engulfed me in a hug. " Oh it's just so exciting little sis!"  
  
It was probably a good thing she hugged me, gave me time to catch my grip on reality.  
  
" We're going to France just me and you to a Literary Arts School, special classes for authors under 16. And I know your an exquisite poet! So I've signed you up. 4 years it'll be then we'll come back. You'll be the youngest one there. " she was practically bursting with excitment at this.  
  
I slipped from her hug and backed up. " So your saying for four years I have to go to a college for Really Talented Poets and stuff in France, away from all my friends and my school?"   
  
She blinked once then giggled. " Oh helga you'll love it i promise. " she stopped and clapped her hands together then picked up my suitcase. " Now we leave tomorrow morning at 10:00 for the airport, so go pack then go say goodbye to your little friends.."   
  
I grumbled and snatched my suitcase from her and went upstairs to pack.  
  
But spent the next 20 minutes crying.  
  
Then came my anger seeping back through my tough reside, and I had a huge fit which consisted of my throwing my baseball bat through my window and it landing on a Semi.  
  
After that---I packed in silence only listening to some music on the radio.  
  
Then made my way to Phoebes house..the first of 2 stops that day.  
  
I knocked on the door and a young voice called out. " The doors open!" and I went in slowly. " Hey phoebes, it's me." came my anger filled voice.  
  
She looked up from her book she was reading. " Helga? is something the matter?"   
  
And once I nodded fists clenced tightly, fighting back tears she came over.  
  
" What's happened! " she asked  
  
And I blurted out angrily. " they're shipping me off to France with OLGA! Some fancy Literary Arts college for the gifted young or something." I said sadly.  
  
" Not Madame Florence's School for the young!" she gasped out.  
  
" Yeah that's the one.." My voice came out shakily  
  
" Helga! do you know what this means? " she asked her excitement growing  
  
" That I have to leave my love? my beloved cornflower haired angel? the one who keeps me on this forsaken planet? The one who ensures my next day?!" I exclaimed.  
  
She thought for a minute then said. " Well..yes but helga! It means that you'll be one of a very few amount of Foreign students to be accepted to that college. They only allow foriengers if their work is exlempliary! It's going to be an honor for you to be allowed in. " she pressed.  
  
Wow..I'd never realized that---but still. " you mean that?" I asked  
  
" Definatly Helga, even though it means you'll have to leave your friends, family and..Ice cream., this will be a learning experiance."   
  
I sighed. " But what about you know.." I pressed.  
  
" Maybe he'll realize his feelings once you leave and when you come back he'll be the one confessing." She said shrugging  
  
" Yeah, like that'll ever happen!" I said sarcastically  
  
She only smiled. " I'm gonna miss you helga."  
  
Great now I was gunna cry. " Cut it out phoebes, I'll write you ever day ok?"  
  
She nodded and I saw that she was tearing up, and I couldn't stand it anymore, I pulled her into a hug and then stood up. " Well now I've got one more thing to do before I get shipped. " I smiled and turned to leave.  
  
" Take care phoebe..." and I left.  
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~  
After running all the way back to my house I bounded up the stairs and into my room.  
  
" Where is it! I know it's here somewhere!" an d I practically tore through my room in a mad frenzy.. took me nearly 3 hours to find it.. the one thing that would ensure that Arnold new my love for him. Only..he wouldn't know till his tenth birthday 4 months from now.  
  
But by the time I got downstairs and was ready to go it was too late to go out..I'd spent from 3 till 6 oclock searching for something that now I would probably never be able to give to him.  
  
" Come on Helga it's dinner time! " called Olga from the kitchen.  
  
I grumbled all the way to the dinner table. This was the girl I was going to have to actually be under the care of for the next 4 years.  
  
So I ate in silence as Olga babbled on about how " extra-excitimg this was going to be and how * oh so much * I was going to like it.   
  
Finally I finished my dinner. " Can I be excused." I asked in mock politeness.  
  
" Why of course baby sister, now go up and take a shower you should be to bed by 9 oclock tonight if we're to leave by 10:00 tomorrow." she advice..  
  
" yeah sure sure.." I sighed and went upstairs, took my shower and got into my nightgown. I layed down on my bed and opened the Journal.  
  
' Dear Arnold,  
  
It's what..8:35 pm May 31st. My last day in this City..heck my last day in the country.   
I'm going to France tomorrow with Olga for a 4 year Literary College thing. Well I'm pretty sure you'll be the happiest of them all to hear this news. I was going to tell everybody at our next baseball game, but nooo Olga has to make it so that we leave BEFORE I get to say goodbye to anybody else but Phoebes.  
  
Anyways as I write this letter to you, which is the last in a journal I've kept since I could write. ** PS: sorry when it first starts it's rather illegible, I was only 6 when I started it. **  
  
Look, if by the time you get to THIS letter I wrote to you you still don't understand what I'm trying to say..then we'll excuse me. But your Dense..incredibly dense..  
  
But I didn't come here to berate you anymore than I have in the last 6 years..It's a goodbye thing. I'd say from a lover to a lover..but you don't even like me..  
  
Well since I probably won't get to say this to you in voice I'll say it to you in words.. I love you. I've loved you since I was 3, since the first day we met in preschool! How shall I say this, I've had this obsessive love for you since that day!   
  
Now you might be asking yourself HOW I could love you after all the pain i've put you through. Well, haven't you ever heard that people pick on others when they like them?   
  
Look It's hard enough for me to know that hopefully you'll be reading this soon..and that you'll know my true feelings for you..I just hope that someday you can return them.....  
  
Anyways, by the time you read this I'll be LONG GONE. But you probably won't care.. so I'm just going to close this little letter now before I get to stupid..  
  
Love always * even if you don't return the feeling*  
  
Helga'  
  
I sighed and shut the note book. And then looked at my clock.." wow..9 already? " time for bed I guess..I have to get up early so I can give this to arnold..!" and I quickly went to sleep.  
~*~ End flashback for now ~*~  
  
I pulled up to sunset arms. " Man this place hasn't changed a bit in 14 years! I hope Arnolds still here." I said and fixed my hair a little and walked up the stairs.  
  
* knock knock *.... No answer.  
  
" That's funny..maybe nobody's home?" I said to myself only to get startled.  
  
" No one's home, and no ones BEEN home for 5 years. " came a strangely familiar voice.  
  
I turned around and came face to face with Curly.. Taller, longer hair, no glasses..a bit well dressed... " Curly??" I gasped.  
  
" Yeah who wants to know.." he said.. then smoothed his hair back. " By the way..it's Thaddeus.."   
  
I sighed. " Well Thaddeus..It's helga who wants to know..you know, Helga G. Pataki, the girl who beat you up in 4th grade?" I said and then huffed slightly.  
  
He stopped and gasped like he usually did when he was 9.. " HELGA??!?! Man you've changed..your a--a--a babe!!" he exclaimed.  
  
I blushed and then sighed. " not the words I was looking for but..umm you wouldn't happen to know where Arnold and them went would ya?" I asked non-shalauntly.  
  
" So finally came back eh Helga?? what you do? get sent to Juvie?'" he teased..  
  
I growled slightly but then flashed a smile, a smug smile. " For your information. I went to Paris France, the Literary school for the Talented! only spose to be 4 years..but some things happened I got a bit distracted with life.." I sighed..  
  
" I know Helga, I knew you were an Author..I have BOTH your books..Great poetry by the way." he smiled reassuringly, then sadly.  
  
I got a scared look in my eyes. " Thaddeus? what's wrong?" I asked..  
  
" Well you asked where Arnold and them went.. well After Phil and His grandma died..Arnold left in search of his parents about..I'd say ..oh yeah 5 years ago. He was never thrilled to go though, says he was waiting for someone to come back."   
  
My eyes widened in horror..could he have been waiting---for me?  
  
" Did he ever say who?? or when he'd be back if ever?!" I had to physically restrain myself from strangling him then and there.  
  
" No...he never said anything just up and left. " he said and sighed.. " Well I'm off..the wife should be back from the theater! nice to see ya again Helga! can't wait for the next book..get me a free copy??" he winked..  
  
I smacked his shoulder and he left laughing..  
  
Curly, heh. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, he hadn't changed.  
  
As I turned to leave, I found myself behing drawn to stay, like something was actually here, waiting to be discovered in the dark, old house..  
  
I turned the door knob and to my shock and..hope it opened.  
  
" Creepy.." I muttered..  
  
As I walked in I felt memories flooding back to me, ones that I thought I'd hidden..  
  
~*~ Flash ~*~  
  
8:00 in the morning, i'm running down the sidewalk. I've got about 45 minutes.  
  
As I get to SunSet Arms I collapse against the door catching my breath.  
  
Then..fall in as somebody opens the door. " Wha?? Oomph!"  
  
" Helga?" came a familiar voice.  
  
" Arnold?!" I gasped and stood up.  
  
" What were you doing leaning against my door at 8:00 in the morning?  
  
I growled. " It's a free country Football head! If I want to lean against your door I will!" I shot back then gasped and turned around.  
  
This was definatly NOT going the way I wanted it to.  
  
And bfeore he could give me his usual ' whatever you say Helga' I turned around.  
  
Unfortunatly he had apparently been concerned or something cause when i turned around we were practically face to face.  
  
Oh how I wished I could reach out and kiss him. If anything to get that--look out of his eyes.  
  
And I'd only seen that look one other time. The day I---well nevermind what happened, he brought me up this house, and actually invited me in for dinner. I'd been to his house quite a few times before, mostly only His grandparents knew. we talked till midnight and when i fell asleep he didn't wake up to kick me out of his house or anything!.  
  
" Are you ok Helga?" he asked.  
  
I had to literally choke back a sob as I thrust the purple journal into his hands. " Open it before your birthday and when i get back from France I'll pound you!" I threatened.  
  
He smirked then his expression changed slightly. " France?"  
  
" Yeah, going to some fancy Literary Arts College, look I don't have much time, we leave in about 30 minutes."  
  
He paused. " Oh? so--soon? Do the others know?"   
  
I sighed. " Only phoebe.." my voice came out sullen.  
  
Suddenly I became nervouse. " Look, that's sort of a birthday present so don't open it till then please??" I pleaded.  
  
After a moment of silent consideration he replied. " I promise.." and a wave of relief washed over me.   
  
Turning back towards the door I sighed. " well I'd better ah--go--so. Seeya around Football head!" and I left him there, dumbfounded and speechless..  
  
~*~ Flash ~*~  
  
I still regretted that moment with all my heart, cause I never knew what he did with the Journal, or if he even opened it.   
  
I looked around and decided to go check out his old room..  
  
As I pulled down the stairs I climbed them a strange feeling of remorse hit me. I couldn't understand it, it just came. I couldn't stop it and a few lone tears fell from my usually expressionless eyes.  
  
I got into his room and looked around. Nothing had changed much from when we were younger.. well save for a few more posters of movie stars and singers. Most of the stuff he'd had was still there.. could he have been planning on coming back?  
  
Maybe..he'd only been gone 5 years.. As I looked around I caught sight of something on his desk.  
  
Walking over I picked it up, and in doing so bumped into his remote control, which surprisingly still worked, and the radio turned on..  
  
*This used to be my playground (used to be)   
This used to be my childhood dream   
This used to be the place I ran to  
Whenever I was in need Of a friend   
Why did it have to end   
And why do they always say  
Don't look back*  
  
I looked over the small pink book and gasped. It was my little pink notebook! He'd kept it!   
  
I sat down at the desk chair and opened up the book and read through a few of the poems that I had written in my younger years..   
  
Looking back now I felt a little I don't know, ashamed about the way I acted, I was always taught to push aside my feelings and that it was actually bad TO show them.. Curtisy of Big Bob Pataki. Curse him eternally!  
  
*Keep your head held high  
Don't ask them why   
Because life is short   
And before you know   
You're feeling old   
And your heart is breaking*  
  
As i got to the place where my last poem was or wasn't due to my excuse of needing the first spitball of the day', you know where I signed my name back in the beginning of the 4th grade? I found that the last few pages were full of new poetry.. or journal entries..  
And as I read through them I felt a deep ache in my heart that I had so long ago learned to hide away in the depths of my tortured soul.  
  
Loneliness, I'd never ONCE dated while I was in France, come think of it, my date with Arnold as 'Cecile' was my only date. Well unless you count craig worthinger..and I don't. Olga wondered once or twice if maybe I was depressed cause I was always moping or something, and up until about the same time Arnold left I'd learned to hide my feelings. I gave up on that and let in to crying late into the night and if I wasn't crying I was writing poetry. Poetry that NOBODY had seen, dark poetry, loss poetry. I'd never once stopped to think that maybe NOT expressing my love for Arnold was tearing my apart.   
  
Once I hit 15 and 16 it only got worse, I began skipping meals and even classes at the college. Even my teachers were worried about me, considering to them though i was the youngest I was one of the most talented people there.   
  
It wasn't until I met Cheyenne that I actually started to think about what was happening to me, how I was acting and what was going to happen if I didn't act upon my feelings.  
  
I had dropped from a size 7 to a size 4 in less than 2 years. But after meeting my new friend who, like Arnold was wise beyond her years I shaped up and basically became the person i am today with her guidance..A successful author with 2 best selling books of Poetry.   
  
But that's not what I'm proud of. I'm proud of the fact that I lived up to my fears of rejection. ( though it did take 14 years ) and came back..only to suffer the greatest rejection of all. Realizing I'd never know the answer.   
  
I guess, I just kinda thought---well I don't know what I thought, but it was senile I guess, holding on to something that would never be.  
  
*Don't hold on to the past   
Well that's too much to ask   
This used to be my playground (used to be)   
This used to be my childhood dream   
This used to be the place I ran to  
No regrets   
But I wish that you   
Were here with me   
Well then there's hope yet*  
  
I realized too late my mistake, I spent too long letting myself fall into a deep depression to realize that I had been so moronic! I wasted the most important years in my life wallowing in my self misery and grief! and for what?..nothing..  
  
Now the one place was basically my own little personal sanctuary, was no longer mine to posses..nor was the one thing I held dearest to me. The one thing that, for 6 years of my young life kept me in this cruel and unloving world. My cornflower hair angel. My secret desire.  
  
Arnold.  
  
I got to the last poem of the book, and found a sheet of paper after it.. and as I read the poem I felt warm tears stinging my already silent, mornful eyes.  
  
' We never had a chance.  
  
We never had a chance,  
To walk along hand in hand.  
To know that we had somebody with us forever.  
To feel that we were needed for more than just homework.  
I never had a chance to realize the feelings you held for me,  
Or that, in that tortured heart of yours, held a love as pure as gold.  
You never had a chance to tell me your feelings face to face.  
For fear of rejection. Or maybe just disgrace.  
I'd like to say I would have said ' I love you back '  
But I think maybe the words I needed, I kinda sorta lack.  
I waited for you for 9 long years.   
And had a chance to think.  
To wonder why, you never pushed away you fears.  
And mended the broken link.  
Of two hearts that were surely true.  
It was the day I left that I realized the truth.  
We'd never have a chance, to have our first dance.  
And our first Prom.  
And I'd never have a change to help you  
If anything went wrong.  
I never thought I'd say this, to a girl I never knew.  
But the only person for 9 years I could think about.  
Was you. And only you.  
Your mysterious ways, the true self that you hid.  
Though I guess I could understand why.  
And I won't ever say goodbye.  
Though I'll always wonder why  
We never had a chance to love.'  
  
In my 17 years of poetry writing, I'd never read something, that could make me understand something I never thought I would.  
He loved me..or atleast I think he did.   
  
I suddenly found myself feeling alone and desolate..Like I just wanted to curl up in the bed across the room from me and never wake up, until my sweet prince charming awoke me with a kiss..  
  
Which was something I'd always miss. I know I still live a Fairy Tale world. But that's who I am. Helga G. Pataki, a girl with her head in the clouds..  
  
*I can see your face   
In our secret place   
You're not just a memory*  
  
I look across the room to where I was just referring and could see us talking when we were 9. I was curled up in a blanket next to the bed, and he was lying on his stomache on the bed.   
  
I knew he liked me. He'd even said it to my face but I never thought...oh I was foolish!  
  
*Say goodbye to yesterday (the dream)   
Those are words I'll never say (I'll never say)*  
  
I knew I should move on. He did, didn't he? but I couldn't, I just wasn't ready to give up on a love I'd have for 20 years. My god, shouldn't I be in some help center.. I'd loved him for that long..  
  
But the strange thing was.. that the love I held for him, the one that fueled my fire for writing, only made me strong, and only grew stronger with time.. I've never loved another man, as much as I loved him.  
  
* This used to be my playground (used to be)  
This used to be our pride and joy   
This used to be the place we ran to   
That no one in the world could dare destroy*  
  
As I leaned back in my chair I realized that this was wrong, I shouldn't be here..not now, not until we met again..but I'd never let anybody destroy the love I have for my angel. No matter how long it takes, I WILL see him again. I swear to it.  
  
Suddenly I remebered the piece of paper after the poem. I pulled it out and read it slowly.   
  
*This used to be our playground (used to be)  
This used to be our childhood dream   
This used to be the place we ran to*  
  
' Dear Helga,  
  
First things first, you said you'd come back in 4 years. Why didn't you? are you alright? alive? well if your reading this then, well you've answered the question already haven't you? Ok, See, after you left I spent a good week thinking about everything that happened in our lives.. why? don't ask me. I'm sorry to tell you, but I opened it 2 weeks after you left.   
After 5 and 6 years passed I got worried about you. You never came back, or even wrote a letter. So I got worried, but then about 3 weeks ago April 27th 2018 I got word about my parents. Still ALIVE even after all this time! so I took the line and ran with it! I regret leaving, cause if your reading this letter you've probably gone through a lot haven't you?   
I mean well I know you, and your either angry as all get out, or sitting there crying. One of the two. And don't tell me I'm wrong, cause believe it or not, I know you better than you think.  
Well I'm babbling and it's time to go, my plane leaves in 2 hours for Guam.   
Please be safe, and if you can, wait for me Helga, I waited for you..and one more thing. If you were wondering. I do love you too.   
  
Signed with all my love,  
Arnold.'  
  
I cursed him silently. Man he's good, I'm sitting here, bawling my eyes out, and he's right.   
  
If he were here now...well aside from the smack I owe him for not listening to me. I'd kiss him.. or hug him. or something..maybe I'd faint..  
  
* I wish you were standing here with me   
This used to be our playground (used to be)   
This used to be our childhood dream   
This used to be the place we ran to *  
  
I decided it was time to go. I just couldn't take it anymore, there were too many memories in this House, in this City, in my life.  
  
But so he'd know where to find me next I left him a letter and one last poem. So I sat back down from where I just stood, and pulled out a piece of paper, and started to wrack my brain...and suddenly I decided to just tell the truth.  
  
' How Much You Mean..  
  
Do you honestly know how much you mean to me?  
Could you ever know that to my heart only you hold the key?  
The key to my soul.  
For my heart knows no love, but the love I hold for you.  
Even after 14 years it still holds strong and true.  
I could never quite gain the courage to tell you the truth.  
Of how I felt about you. For fear of your rejection.  
I guess you get half the picture, of a love I can't deny.  
But the other half belongs to me, the one I won't give up.  
The story of my obsession, the one I had of you.  
From 3 to 9, then 9 till 23. You see I know there's a secret,  
That even I know not the answer.  
I wish I could be with you now, really as i sit here and write  
I wonder how?   
How you could have waited 9 years for me.   
Did you actually wait alone? or did you fall into another crush?  
Only this time I couldn't be there to help you along?  
I guess I'll never know, I guess i'm doomed to wonder.  
But not forever cause I believe in fate. In loves true calling.  
And if our hearts are really one, then the day will surely come.  
When we'll meet eachother, and maybe someday soon.  
You'll understand the meaning you held to me. Not just a little crush.  
But a love I can't define. So now, my loving Cornflower Haired angel.  
It's time to say goodbye. But not forever, just for now.  
I love you. That's all. There's nothing more to tell.'  
  
I put the paper down on the table. And took off my class ring. I set down with a gentle kiss and hoped he understood.   
  
And as I left the room I felt so safe in, the last words of the song I'd heard lingered after me..and I carried the tune that told a story all it's own, one I'd share with my self. And no one else.  
  
* The best things in life are always free   
Wishing you were here with me*   
  
I'd realized everybody moved on, but I just couldn't.. I wouldn't and I'd wait forever and a day. For the time that'd come when i could see his face. And know he felt the same as me. Cause fate has a way of twisting life. And though it started out that way. I knew it end without strife.  
  
* Fine *  
So? how was it? how bad was it? how..well how was it? I know towards the end I hit a spot where I started to rhym in almost every sentance.. it bytes once I write poems that's how I am..  
  
PS: those two poems up there, were strickly on the spot, I guess--well I don't know.. bad timing bad whatever..  
  
" This used to be my playground " is from Madonna and the movie ' A league of their own..' ok? ok..  
  
Please enjoy it! and if you like maybe I'll do a sequal ( any idea's for songs? )   
  
I bid you adieu! 


End file.
